Teachers, Lessons, and Gifts

PinF has fallen silent the last week or so. Consider it my end of year reflection, blog-fatigue, or just plain old end of semester break. Of course I often need to be inspired to write and cannot just pull something out of a hat, so I guess this too has had something to do with the lay off. The holidays. Just saying this can raise the stress, excitement, and dread in many of us. PinF is no different in this department, constantly striving to provide for my daughter the type of holiday memories and lessons she can build her life's lessons upon. Holidays are a great teacher. Many of us go through our lives living one way 51 weeks of the year, and quite another way for that one holy week. Human nature I guess, we all want to be good, decent people all of the time, it just isn't that easy, or practical for that matter.

Trying to live a good and decent life, one that offers lessons, takes on an even greater urgency when you have a child. In essence you are the ultimate teacher, the sooner you realize this, the better and more effective teacher/parent you will be. As tough as the holidays were for me, and despite the bad judgements that were made by some people; I know I can only control the message, values, and behavior that I project. To this ends I think Sophia, despite having to split time in two totally different enviroments, saw some profound lessons this Christmas.

Loyalty- my first is and always will be to Sophia, she witnessed this again this year as her father was involved in her Christmas pageant, right down to the sewing of the garland on her angel dress. Although PinF's religious dedication has changed somewhat since his catholic upbringing, one thing hasn't changed - and that is his belief that all children need some type of spiritual direction. My involvement in her religious and spiritual education is if nothing else, a foundation of my beliefs, my hopes for her, and of course a moral direction for her to steer her own life. Where she takes that direction will be up to her after she turns 18. Slowly she has learned the values of that "one hour" a week that you thought would kill you as a child. I'm sure it was a harder lesson for me since I had the distraction of many brothers each week in mass, whereas Sophia seems to truly enjoy the church, the traditions, and the singing.

The pride any parent feels for their child during public events is always an emotionally powerful feeling. I experienced this firsthand once again this Christmas as I was an "angel" volunteer, tasked with organizing 20 little girls-- wings, halos, and egos - all according to height. Myself and another parent had a lot of fun, and our task actually appeared easier than shepparding the many lambs in attendance for the Christmas eve mass. This year was profoundly different for Sophia, her parents were no longer together, and what family she did have in the state were not attending the mass, so it was me, and my life-long buddy from Philadelphia John, who also wanted to see Sophia. She was perfect, I had her hair and outfit looking great, though I could see in her face that she was scanning the entire church looking for other familiar faces that sadly weren't there. That disapointment in her face hurt a bit, but all I could do is be there for her, and so I was. This was another important lesson, though it may not register for her for quite some time, it did for me that night. The lesson that in our child's mind there is no more important event than that in which your child is participating in. I made sure she knew how proud I was of her, and how much I loved her.

There were profound lessons in this most holy night as I watched the nativity scene play out before my eyes and was reminded once again that this was about Jesus, not the mall, and not about gifts or parties. Sophia was to leave with her mother after mass to be with her mother's family and cousins, something that it isn't now, nor do I expect ever will , get any easier. The natural thing to want to do is be with your family on Christmas eve, though with divorce comes a schedule; and this year was not PinF's year. I bide my time, my temper, and my emotions. I try to look at the journey and not the route, because in the end it's about the destination and not the manner in which I travel to get there. And the destination for me is in delivering a nice, responsible, decent young lady who knows well that the virtues and values in life have little to do with material wealth or possesions and much more to do with spirtual wealth, love, and most importantly respect of oneself and family coupled with compassion. Everything I saw on this Christmas eve lead me to believe I am indeed on the "right path" in this regard, the challenge is in staying on board even though the "vehicle" is uncomfortable.

PinF had a tree this year, this was really more for Sophia than for my own need. To be expected I guess, becuase you really don't realize that many of the motions of the holiday are perpetuated for the children in our lives more than ourselves. Still underneath the tree were a good amount of gifts, mainly Sophia's mind you, though a few found there way to PinF as well. PinF was a very lucky recipient of three last minute parcels, all from important parts of PinF's life- friends, and family. From one of my oldest and dearest friends a FedEx box appered almost out of nowhere with several gifts, this was actually the only gift for PinF had up until this point. Thanks Bird. The next morning saw two other packages arrive on Christmas eve, one a parcel of Dutch coffee mailed by (mis)adventuresofchuck himself; this was a really nice surprise from a really good and valued friend. Thanks Chuck. The other package was from my mom, which like my mom is apt to do, touched me in an almost bittersweet way by including an ornament for my tree made by me some 32 years ago. In an instant I was taken back to the dining room table at Ridley Drive in 1974 on Christmas morning painting the little balsa wood ornaments, powerful stuff. Thanks Mom.

For all the emotions, joy, and heartache felt during these the most emotional weeks of the year, PinF is still a great lover of Christmas. And even though his father still resides in limbo at the hospital, his sons all search for answers to the right direction to move in, and PinF's mom is sort of removed from the immediacy of my day to day life - PinF is able to recognize his real gifts this holiday. Sure I got some great books, some nice things for my house, and other little things, but my greatest gift was again being involved in Sophia's life and realizing how lucky I am. Despite all the disapointments that I cannot control, I still keep my mind and my eye on the greater gifts, these are the blessings we all have in our lives. My father is not well, but I had over 40 Christmas's with him, so it could be much worse. My mother is still in good health and here with us all, again another gift. I have four healthy, and fun brothers - all of whom have the unique distinction of having known each other all of our lives. This is in essence the coolest part of a sibling-the shared experiences, though differing opinions, of being raised by our shared parents. My friends, these too are real gifts that anyone can give themselves, becuase unlike family you can pick these "gifts" out, PinF is richly blessed in this department. And my favorite gift of this Christmas? Sitting next to an angel at Christmas eve mass, replete with wings and halo, not just any old angel-but "my" angel, and hearing her whisper in my ear "Merry Christmas, I love you papi"