The War On MisAdventures

Editor’s Note:
This report was painstakingly gathered from information submitted and disseminated here in at the Southern Command Surprise Headquarters. Due to the "fog of war" regarding many of the instances that were either reported or in some cases RECORDED, this commission needed time to present a chronological, not to mention factually correct representation of this bacchanal celebration of Chuck's 40th.


The week leading up the surprise wasn’t without multitudes of controversy.

For starters, Chuck was attempting to weasel his way out of a supposed filet mignon dinner invitation further proving his in-grate tendencies. The dinner a cover story and set up for the Ponderosa throw down trap that had already been set that was due to be sprung. Preferring instead to cavort with his drinking pals in Sligo’s, Chuck issued a series of emails, questioning CNN (to further be referred to as agent Soul Mate) as to the necessity of a "dinner" per se, and asking for an unconditional release of obligation. This of course sent shock waves through the planning coalition’s lines of communication. As acting field Commander I had to issue orders to our junior field Lieutenant CNN (Soul Mate) to calm down. She was beside herself, and threatening to cancel her fake dinner, feeling slighted for almost being stood up for a party she wasn’t really having anyway. I issued orders to "hold the line" and to take the offensive; as such an angry guilt laden retort was issued along with calls to the other planning officers in the field, (Colonel Flash and General Big Plow).

These stop gap measure proved effective and Chuck was once again humbled in to a New England-esque submission. Fire out. PinF could now concentrate on moving his remote base of operations (somewhere deep in South Florida) to the theatre of operations up north. He and his trusted, though diminutive assistant Sophia boarded their jet that would fly them "in country" to over see the campaign, by now dubbed "Operation Chuck’s Misadventurous 40Th Birthday bash at the Ponderosa". Unfortunately due to the cantankerous nature of the "enemy", he had managed to thoroughly piss off our trusted and battle tested General of the Ponderosa Matty "Big Plow" McCusker, completely calling into question whether we might have to scrap OCM40THBB.

Apparently Chuck still smarting from the transition into unemployment and possibly acting under the influence of several pints* had responded to Big Plow’s chain mail angrily and with malice—which in itself was disturbing enough. Unfortunately the enemy chose to rear his evil and demented side of his psyche and copy everyone on the emails original list. Essentially MofC was trying to make the Plow look bad---Chuck’s parry had worked, and general Plow took great umbrage. Again my leadership skills were called into question as the fragile "coalition" began to show signs of crumbling yet again through the vitriol behavior of our enemy from Vermont.

Emails were immediately issued from Headquarters before taking off from my secret location deep within the tropical interior of Florida. Again I was able to temper General Plow’s wrath, as he wanted to use the nuclear option, an option never before tabled in all our many, many, campaigns, yet incredibly Chuck had somehow managed through his North Korean approach of diplomacy and gratitude to illicit such a bitter reaction. All of this while we have many troops in the field already mobilizing and securing child care in order to attend. Meanwhile Lt. Gold Dust, (AKJN) had already managed to slip over the Pennsylvania/Delaware line and capture a fair amount of alcoholic libations necessary for our planned invasion of Chuck’s sentimentally vulnerable emotions. This was to be an all out blitzkrieg of Chuck’s senses, lucky for the coalition Lt. Gold Dust was able to fill the entire trunk of her assault vehicle and safely return to friendly territory.

Upon return she was met by Lt. CNN (SM) where the contraband was transferred to another assault vehicle for transport to the theatre of operations. By now I had made my way into theatre and the troops were hungry. Considering we were to bivouac at my Jr. Assistant’s grandmother’s house, it made sense to secure some nourishment at the venerable Apollo pizza. Chow out of the way, I made my way to the secure albeit, temporary headquarters in Media with which to wage my psychological warfare on none other than my literary nemesis MisadventureofChuck himself. Despite years of active duty planning, implementing, and building coalitions I could not have been prepared for what was to take place upon finishing my pizza. Into my before mentioned "secure" headquarters waltzed Colonel Flash, senior officer of enlightenment-- accompanied by none other than MofC himself!

My instinct told me this was psychological OP’s at their finest. Who better to dispense with this type of "mis"-information than the enlightened one him self? Colonel Flash adeptly delivered our quarry into my lair, allowing me some pre-assault assessments of my adversary. Fearing a breach in secrecy I proceeded with very general conversation, never once veering towards the obvious: that his age had caught up with his hair loss. Knowing full well that MofC is well versed in counter-intelligence and had previously issued a challenging edict that "he would not be taken by surprise", I cautiously assessed my New England nemesis. He seemed in the dark: was this by devious design? It was decided I would need to administer some "truth serum", I contacted some "agents" at a local front know as the Plumstead. Chuck was obviously clueless as to the worldwide network of agents and interrogation rooms the coalition has at its disposal for just this purpose.

After tucking my junior aide safely into her sleeping bag at Nana’s house, I ventured toward Colonel Flash’s assigned rendezvous point---Checkpoint Sligo. I made sure that I was not tailed, zig-zagging through the back alleys of Media like Chuck walking home after Super Sunday. I immediately set about plying Chuck full of the dreaded "black truth serum", known to the masses as Guiness stout. And I’m not talking about some ex "has been" boxer either. Rather, it was decided that after reviewing Chuck’s dossier that he had two glaring weaknesses. Well three actually, but PinF don’t roll that way. That left us with two vices with which to soften Chuck up with-- beer and Tequila. And so it was in the interest of gathering Intel that I embarked on all night session of pre-party debauchery.

Joining me early on in this mission completely unbeknownst to Chuck were double agents, and soldiers for the cause Lt.’s CNN (SM) and Gold Dust (AKJN), they were much too willing to get the drinks flowing and got myself and Chuck off to a good start before heading into the interrogation chamber located at the Plumstead. Luckily for the coalition there was no shortage of traitors for the cause, each participating in their own way, and all of them providing much need information. Most prominent among them would be "agent X", located in Annapolis, his identity is protected because he’s still in deep cover on "other OP’s" that as a coalition member I am not at liberty to divulge.

Also eager to turn state’s witness and collaborator was none other than the man known as TXXBAN CHXXK, again his name blacked out to protect his identity. Rounding out our list of turncoats willing to put their integrity, names and future relations with Chuck on the line were none other than DXDX BXXBX and her team operative NXXX BXXBX themselves in deep cover as well, due to their intimate complicity in this affair. In fact almost all of Chuck’s long list of "friends" were too happy to accommodate the coalition’s requests for secrecy and misinformation, MR NUXXER was a perfect example listing child care issues as a reason he may "mot make it to Sligo’s". All in all my undercover treachery and black OP’s proved completely unwarranted as Chuck blabbed on at the Plumstead, tequila after tequila softening the already easy target even more. Once again, this only further proved that my "Gordon Liddy" tactics weren’t even necessary with a target of such opportunity and innocence.

The plan was eventually put into motion on my "GO". General Plow eventually acquiesced on his initial reticence to let the troops go in. He knew as I did too, that we had flown in a secret weapon, one not used on the good people of Pennsylvania for some time—known only as the "KG" option. A man who’s power has never been truly gauged, though the patience with which it tries has often been reduced to shreds. To be safe we unleashed a counter-weapon, agent Soul Mate, she herself an untested, if not undeterred force of equal if not more power than "KG". And so it was a battle of the titans was unleashed on the good party people of Chuck’s 40th birthday. Destiny you say? Maybe. Fate? Possibly. Outcome? Never in doubt. Chuck was caught completely off guard.

I like to think it was all a well choreographed battle plan unleashed by the coalition for the purpose of leveling the cantankerous Chuck for once and for all. I think we succeeded. Judging by the Intel from all of those who were there to witness this battle, I think the war on Misadventure is being won, but I caution the good people of Media, we are in for a long war, and sacrifices will have to be made. We did our part for one night, and for this the coalition owes a debt of gratitude to all in attendance for their gritty determination to see Chuck attain 40.