Breaking Away...to School

So I'm now back to my life and all of its little annoyances and distractions both good and bad that go along with it. Most notably my daughter Sophia, who I am ever happily able to report is the most positive distraction in my life bar none. This has been a monumental year of change for me, but more importantly for her. She has watched her parents split up, start seperate lives and seperate homes. Far as I can tell she has adapted as well as any little soul could be expected to adapt, especially an only child. I am richly blessed to have both a daughter of wit and substance. She has a fierce spirit of wonder, intuition and gentleness all of which have served her well. We have kept busy rekindling our close bond that was delayed for 18 days as I journeyed through my father's illness and became his advocate while he was unable.

The biggest distraction I now face is school. Everytime I start to feel comfortable with being a father something such as "school supplies" comes around to make me feel as if someone might question my qualifications to be a father. It's a funny thing to still think young and remember exactly what it was like to be a kid, especially that last week of summer. I wonder if my parents with all the distractions of raising five boys even had the luxury of such thoughts. It's like I can't believe sometimes that I even have the "responsibility" that I have to this little girl. For instance, I have a list that was issued on my daughter's "school website" of needed supplies that she and I will go out shopping for first thing Saturday morning. This list is more akin to a college freshman than a second grader. I remember a few pencils, a three ring binder and a few book covers. Not today's kid's. Yet my tasks are made easy and carefree with her confident, excited nature as she eagerly awaits the start of the school year.

Sophia is everything I was not with regard to school. She cannot wait to start, whereas I was dreading the slow demise of my summer freedom, she is imploring me to go to Office Depot so she can get her supplies. This of course is one of life's equalizers, as it brings me joy to see such enthusiasm for learning. I'm reminded of how two years ago before her mother and I divorced when Sophia was to start kindergarten, all she wanted was to ride that school bus. Of course her mother and I were leaning more towards driving her her first few days, Sophia would have none of it. I mean kindergarten for christs sake, she wanted autonomy already. We finally settled on letting us escort her on her first day, and then we would allow her to try the bus, figuring she would get one taste of that and ditch it. So off the three of us went the two blocks from out house at 7:05 to Mars avenue to meet her 7:11 am pickup. There was a steely determination from both her and her mami as I nervously went over the "checklist" of" what to do's" if this happens......I had also made a tag I had her wearing with her name, her teacher's name and classroom number and our phone number, I even had it laminated the night before at Kinkos(I still have have it and will give it to her someday)

The moment of truth arrived that morning right on time, and as the bus doors swung open I saw the tears welling in my wife's eyes. Sophia bounded up the three steps, turned around and said " where do I sit Papi!?" I was so floored by her bravery and enthusiasm, that I told her "anywhere you want Sophie". Luckily for us the warm smiling black woman driving that bus was as much in love with her at first sight as we were, she put the bus's parking brake on and ushered Sophie into the seat right behind her, assuring us she would "keep an eye out for her". "Bye papi, bye mami!" was all she said. No tears, no fear, and absolutely no hesitation. None. I'll never forget seeing those big brown eyes peeping over the edge of the bus waving goodbye to us as I turned to my now crying wife to reassure her. She said to me "let's follow the bus and makes sure she's ok"... she knew this was not the right thing, yet a part of you wants to protect them through their whole day, though you know you cannot. I just put my arm around her and said "let her go", and so we walked back home that first day, wiping tears of pride and sadness at the same time. The both of us realizing silently that we had just taken a huge leap of faith and put our child's fate into someone else's hand for the first time. I'll be there again this year as I am every year, walking her in the first day with her mother, aware that soon, much sooner than we probably know she's going to want us to maybe just drop her at the curb. Because in the end that's what we want our children to learn - to be independent, yet its the hardest lesson we can teach, because their independence is ultimately our loss.