Walking the Line...still

I had been wanting to see it since it was released. My father and I had both discussed it back in October before he fell ill, each of us eagerly awaiting its premiere and wondering whether or not a relatively unknown actor with no musical background not to mention being of Puerto Rican descent could pull it off. The movie is "Walk the Line" the story of Johnny Cash, oh and he (Joaquin Phoenix) did pull it off. My brother Flash (Chris) had called me several weeks ago, and told me to get ready, it was heavy. He said in many ways you'll see your life kind of flashback when you hear the music as well as witness the metamorphosis of actor into real life performer. He was right. I was deeply affected, probably more so because of the present state we all find ourselves in with my father's ongoing medical struggles. It hurt to watch the movie and know he was "there" and I was here; I was in a comfortable movie-plex with popcorn being allowed to escape the here and now. PinF had mentioned before how he and his brothers were raised in a very musical family, and how Johnny Cash played a prominent role-- like a soundtrack to our youthful memories of our father's musical tastes. This movie brought much more than the life of Johnny Cash to the forefront of PinF's impressions.

Biographical accounts, whether they are presented in literary or cinematic form can sometimes be a sort of mirror to your own life, since what you're reading or as in this case watching, may have taken place during your own life. Johnny Cash's life was hard. His music spoke of the hard times, heartaches, personal demons, and faithful deliverance from a life of deceit, lies, addictions, and pain. Johnny Cash's story is like anyone else's who has ever succeeded or prevailed against overwhelming odds and circumstances, he did it with the love and belief in himself from others, most notably his second wife June Carter. In many ways I believe my father saw something of himself in Johnny Cash, or at least he wanted to. They both were born about the same time and like Johnny, they both served in the military during the tail end of the Korean conflict. My father once related to me that he got hooked on country music in the Army, after he had a chance to see Johnny Cash in Texas while at Fort Bliss, also on the bill was a relatively unknown by name of Elvis Presley. Sure enough in the movie they were playing small venues in small towns throughout the south, so I kind of felt like his story was kind of my father's story as I watched the movie. And as I watched this story play out through the songs of my youth I was transported in many ways back to Drexel Hill during the late 1960's and early 1970's. I remembered us all going to "see" Johnny Cash at the Spectrum in Philadelphia maybe 1971 or so, and how we were seated in the back row up very, very, high and how he appeared as a little back dot on stage. Still his distinctive barritone voice was not depleted by our distance to the stage and although time has diminished many of the details of that night, our being there with my parents that night is still fresh in my memory.

I kept thinking how my dad would have loved to watch this movie, and how the music would have moved him so. Always one thought away was his present lingering condition that never allowed me to truly "escape" into the movie. Still I reasoned that if it makes me think of him that much more then the movie serves us both in different ways. I remember clearly listening to Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison in early 1970, I was eight and the world was probably in many ways as dangerous and angry as it today. We were at war then as we are today, still my childhood awareness of all that swirled about in the world was limited at best. In many ways your "world" as a child is defined by your parents interests, opinions, and actions. We probably could have never imagined then, but as we've grown older my brother's and I all have a special place for Johnny Cash in our hearts, and his music shaped and affected us all in different ways. One thing is for sure, we all know the words by heart to almost every damn Johnny Cash song there is, and I would venture to guess none of us could listen to him without thinking of our father, ever. This fact is clearly illustrated in many forms, whether it be my brothers Scott and Bill performing "I Still Miss Someone" live together, or by the CD collections we all have that contain Johnny Cash. It has even permeated another generation as Sophia has learned the words to Ring of Fire and knows all too well that this is her papi's musical history.

PinF knows not where his father's life is headed these days, as not long after I got out of the movie I received a call that my father had again been placed in intensive care after developing another infection. Options are now running slim, and decisions are becoming harder. I had intially held out hope that me and my dad would watch this movie together while it was still in the theatres, then I thought at the very least we would rent it and watch it together. It's beginning to appear he may in fact never get to see it, for this I am saddened since I know what joy this would have brought to him. When I was last in Philly, I had brought my CD player and some Johnny Cash into his room, and it seemed as if it took away his pain-- if not only temporarily. Johnny Cash and Bill Paynter for me are synonymous, and I cannot think of one without considering the other.

Back in 1989 I had the great fortune to again see my father's hero LIVE when he played of all places- the Alpine Inn on Baltimore Pike in Springfield. My brother Rob had noticed the show advertised whilst driving by one day, immediately he called my father and within hours my father was at the ticket window with $400.00 buying 10 tickets. The venue was to hold maybe 1000 people in a sort of Las Vegas style presentation. Tables would be used in place of chairs or standing room, and cocktail waitresses would be employed. My father had for the first time in a long time all five of his sons together, and quite rightfully we were all seated at the front table in front of the stage center. Though he loved Frank Sinatra with equal passion and zeal, I'm sure this would have had to be considered his ultimate live musical experience. I'm equally sure it was the same for my brothers, I know for myself it certainly ranks right up there with seeing Bob Marley in 1979 from the eighth row of Irvine Auditorium with my life-long friend Tracey Wright-Mchugh. That night we ordered our beers not by the bottle, but instead by the case, as my oldest brother Bill was in attendance with several Army buddies from Fort Bragg and they didn't want to be bothered by waitresses or waiting for their drinks. So there we all sat, seeing an iconic figure of our youth and indeed all of our lives not but 10 feet in front of us. I think you could have heard a pin drop when he walked up to the mic and said "hello I'm Johnny Cash".

The defining memory I have in my mind of that night in April was that of my father and Johnny clutching hands as he finished his last set and said his good-nights to the approvingly cheering, whistling, and clapping crowd. It was a moment in time that seems to be etched in my memory as for so many years they seemed "connected", so it was all so fitting to see my father's hardened hand reach through the throngs of fans and be clutched by Johnny himself. This capped off an evening, if not a life-time of adulation of my father for Johnny, of course it also started another round of embellishment and stories. It was hard to watch this movie, yet I knew I wanted and had to, the songs, the man, and all he stood for and battled against were painstakingly presented in a very raw way. By the time the movie ends and Johnny is standing with his then wife June Carter in front of hundreds of hardened convicts at Folson Prison, you are completely absorbed into the character and feel as though you are watching an old movie clip of the "man in black" himself. Emotions are high right now for all of us--his sons, as we struggle with our father's condition five different ways. This movie was for me a microcosim of our shared musical/life journies as we continue to "walk the line" of our collective lives together through what continues to be uncertain times.