As I Go, So Shall You

"She will take her lead from you; as you go--so shall she." These were words of advice I received from a close person in my life last week when I described how upset Sophia was regarding the news that her pop-pop was going to die. Truer words could not have been spoken. PinF has deliberately backed away for awhile, not fielding any calls other than necessary ones. I've not not really felt the need to blog either as I've tried to work through my own feelings and emotions regarding my mine and my brother's decision to allow my father to pass peacefully with the help of hospice. Though in many respects I've felt a sort of responsibility to share with the many regular readers of PinF that which they've either followed, supported, or advised me on for over the past 6 months. This after noticing either concerned phone messages or emails, thus I have been prompted to inform though not dwell- the many readers and concerned friends of PinF, as it's really too painful still.


Sophia has taken her lead from me in ways I had never really thought about until I witnessed such raw emotions after I told her I must leave for Philadelphia and that her pop-pop was going to be leaving for heaven. I have been living in Florida coming up on nine years this St. Patrick's day. Leaving was hard, as it always is when it is done on behalf of another. If I had my wish I would have never left, as I knew the day I left a little part of my dad died. Still like I've writen in earlier posts I still maintained a close, in touch relationship by phone, mail and visits. Speaking almost every night to my father allowed me to stay in touch with how he was doing and still monitor his health and happiness.

This frequent contact created a long distance bond between Sophia and him as well, something I really never gave much thought to as it was never something to mull. Now it is. And now I can see why she is so moved by the news, as she too feels the daily loss of his familiar voice. Sophia has always been encouraged to write thank you notes, send birthday cards, and generally be as involved as a little girl can be so far from her extended family. This again was her "taking her lead from me", as I try (though not always) to remember birthday's, Mother's and Father's days for all my family since I am so far away. Of course these little home made cards were often highlights of my father's day as he would call up to say he received this drawing or this home-made card. My father responded in kind, sending Sophia one of her most prized possesions-- her pink Eagles hat along with her pink sleeved Eagles Superbowl shirt. Every Sunday, she dons both and prepares to settle in with me to watch as much as her seven year-old psyche can really take. I know she does it for me, so I often implore her to go out and play, and that I'll call her when we score. Suffice to say she played alot during gamedays this year.

She still has her first pair of ice skates her pop pop bought her from Bill Battey's, something I've learned are not to be messed with when I recently suggested we give them away to some little girl who might be able to use them. Of course her reaction was that of a child on a mission to the Figure Skating Hall of Fame, preferring to save them for posterity. I know of course it's the sentimental value that she cherishes, again "taking her lead from me", as I too keep the sentimental items of value from my past. My father and Sophia enjoyed quite a different relationship than any of her other relatives in Philadelphia because she "followed my lead" and spoke to him very often in her seven years. He got to see her skate last Christmas of 2004, something she was quite keen on him seeing. She got to tell him she's a "Philly girl", knowing full well how proud this makes him when he hears it. They complimented each other's style well, so it was always an easy and stress free reunion for them, as they never seemed to need to "catch up" since they stayed informed about each other's lives. So as I navigate my way through these most powerful and sentimental emotions of loss and grief, I am constantly reminded of those words of advice and I check my emotions for Sophia's sake.

Sophia will survive. I will survive. Loss is part of life, though in times like these you do feel a sort of tendancy to try and re-savor the moments long since past. I'm comfortable with mine, and I believe Sophia is too, and as she comes through the pain she'll really only remember the happy memories and the positive impact of her pop pop's life on her's. I will soon be in Philadelphia to complete the journey that in many ways we're all on until the death of a parent. I'm ok with it, as long as Sophia keeps her emotions in check, because as Sophia goes-- so go I.