Hard to Notice & Impossible to Ignore(the lesson)

OK enough of the political rants. PinF is back with more familiar observations.

In an attempt to respect the confidentiality and confidence of their remarks, I shall not use their names. However-- their input, observations, and advice I will share. PinF as many of you already know has been dealing with the continually spiraling health of his father from afar, certainly not something I'm comfortable with, though it's something I have no real control over. My day is spent in an office, with a major portion of it on a phone. Because I am my father's POA I am often called on by various Doctor's, social workers, and an occasional family member during my day as I monitor and and try my best to direct what is being done with regard to my father's care.

Whatever sense of responsibility I've felt to my daughter as a parent, I have felt an equal if not greater sense of responsibility as a child to my Father, as it is he who is now in distress. I have examined my motivations and loyalties and suspect that much of my sense of duty to my father and of course my mother is possibly tied into to an earlier shared experience of having faced a nearly fatal medical event in my life at age 7. It was through this experience that I viewed the scared, concerned, and loving looks of each of my parents as I looked back up at them from my hospital bed. This experience has had a much more profound effect on me than I ever really gave much thought to until I had to reverse roles and look down upon my father in his hospital bed.

Knowing this I have deliberately, slowly, and cautiously approached every request for another procedure as well as calls for "ending" the ordeal, a referance to considering hospice. My reasoning throughout has been that death is forever and so long as he shows progress I should afford my father every reasonable chance to "turn it around". This ordeal, as with any life challenging/changing event, often reveals the best and worst in all of us. Of course there have been fissures in relationships, mis-communications, and disagreements that unfortunately extreme pressures incubate. None of us knows how we will or won't react under these extreme pressures and situations until such time as we are called upon to do so in our lives. Having said this, I received an email from a friend who has felt this same burden, both with regard to the care and more importantly the decisions and the pressures they create. Her father passed away not too long ago and she knows what PinF is going through, especially with regard to the fact that I am separated physically from the situation. She wrote me: "Quality of life is something we take for granted daily, and when someone doesn’t have it, it is awful. Humans are selfish creatures, and would rather keep someone around to make themselves feel better, rather than considering that person’s quality of life."

Spoken truths are powerful.

I'm sure in hindsight PinF is on one level of sub-conciousness guilty of doing this too; it is afterall selfish human nature to "hold on" and "not give up", but the time is quickly approaching a point where I will have to. That isn't to say I have not made every decision as an informed (as best I could be) patient advocate, I believe have. Hence my decisions have been made after serious considerations of my expectations and the possible outcomes, and more importantly these decisions were made one procedure at a time. It would be very easy to view the present state of affairs and believe the course and/or decisions were wrong or could have been made differently---this is not a luxury I ever have or can afford myself. I have taken the best information I was privy to, and weighed it with what I believe my father would want and then factored in his propensity to fight coupled with his will for, and love of life.

I recently spoke with another person, one who herself has both firsthand and professional knowledge regarding end of life issues. This is a woman with a life's worth of experience and knowledge who has relationships with both me and my father; she too offered sage advice as to possible solutions to my father's dilemma. For she knows well that my father would never want to be "ware-housed" and most certainly would choose to be free of his earthly existance if asked to choose. Most importantly she offered calm support for what at times has seemed almost too much, especially at a time when I am still navigating my daughter and myself through the lingering emotional mindfields of our own lives.

As she spoke and mentioned recently seeing him and how his body weight was now down to 147 LBs. I began to have several thoughts rush into my head distracting me from what she was saying. The first was in remembering what a strong man my father was physically, and how he used his body working hard all his life. As a child his arms would almost seem as if they were "hulk like", much the same way Sophia thinks I'm Superman in her eyes, he was in mine. The other thought that rushed into my head was that of a novel I read a few months ago, The Confessions of Max Tivoli, strange I know--but this is how PinF's brain works. This is a complex novel that is in a nutshell almost metaphoric for how we all eventually leave this earth. It deals with Max who is born in 1871 a 70 year old infant who is fated to live his life in reverse, essentially giving him seventy years on this earth. Physically he appears elderly and deformed, mentally he is an infant, as he physically matures in reverse, he also mentally decreases backwards until 70 years laterwhen he is physically an infant, however he is so with a seventy year-old mind. Essentially when he becomes a middle age man, he is mentally that of a child (probably true of many middle aged men). It struck me that in many ways life ends in one form or fashion almost child-like, as you become frailer, weaker, lighter and smaller. Often times these changes can be accompanied by the mental deterioration reducing a once vibrant, strong, and independent adult to an almost child like state. Funny how that is.

PinF will obviously be coming to Philadelphia again soon, and will again confront both the reality and mortality of his father. Options are dwindling, though my responsibility remains clear, even if it means letting go. In many ways it would be easier if he would make that decision for me, but of course life's toughest moments are never easy. This fact illustrates why in life we humans draw the most meaning and best lessons from the biggest challenges. Still it remains the task of the living to understand the meanings and lessons of such events in our lives. PinF will, it'll just take time.

If You Lie Long Enough.....

Before you read this click here.

The few times that PinF has ventured into sensitive political issues he has ultimately invoked the ire of someone, specifically on the rabid right. PinF was in fact once a strong supporter of Republican polictics, at least when John McCain seemed to have had a chance of winning; sadly even he was a target of the "machine". Imagine a decorated, highly educated man of unquestioned moral character and honor was himself derided by the George machine. Now PinF is a strong Independent, choosing instead to seek politicians whose word is reflected by their deed, sadly even democrats have been guilty of the dirty tricks that the Republicans seem to stand for anymore. Irrespective of where you stand on the morality of war, there are some discerning points to be made. So I have to speak out. So I will.

How can a President be impeached for a little "adult fun" between two consenting adults in the White House, yet his predecessor can wage a war with an immoral agenda of death, destruction, and political meddling in sovereign nation's affairs, virtually unchallenged? Only in America I say. The only moral man of George W's administration resigned, deeply troubled by the bending if not total skewering of the facts. We have commited $18Billion dollars to the rebuilding of the grand and historically significant city of New Orleans. Yet this amount pales in comparison to the untold hundreds of billions of dollars we are spending to win an unwinnable war. Let us not mention our greatest and most precious assests-- our young American soldier's lives that are exposed to death and dismemberment daily in the pursuit of stomping out terrorism. Have we as a nation learned nothing by the agressive anti-terror campaign of Israel? They could not wipe terrorism out and neither can we. History will record the folly with which George and his minions believed they could.

It has been estimated that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan now cost the United States $4Billion dollars a month. In terms of George Bush's estimates, we could theoretically rebuild 3 major US cities this year. This is blood money, fueled by greed, natural resources and lies. George started "our war" off with $87Billion dollars in 2003, yet he has consistently come back for more and more....when do we as a nation wake up and start asking at what price? Can anyone even imagine $87Billion dollars? I couldn't, but now you can-- Look Here to see how scary and out of control this meglamaniac is. This war is not what "we" as a people stand for, nor is being treated as if you are less than American if you take a stand against it. It seems mighty peculiar to PinF that everytime a Democrat makes a challenge to this President or his policies, his name and indeed his career accomplishments are dragged through the mud by the evil non-miltary serving minions of George Bush. How we allow these men to hold positions of power when so much is at stake is beyond PinF, quite frankly it leaves me wondering where we are headed as a nation if we launch into wars based on lies and skewered intelligence. I for one feel no safer, nor prouder to be an American now based on our policy of bullying nations, and killing innocents, while evil men propagate the lies that accompany our policies.

Ok then. Let the right wing rhetoric and abuse begin. I love my country, but I hate it's policies of lies and hipocracies.
Cigars and sex = Impeachment, war and lies = a "holy crusade" of lunacy. Wow I feel better already.

SOUL FOOD IS GOOD FOR YOU !

Had any soul food lately? PinF has and along with Sophia, we're regulars every Sunday. The usual routine is to awake at 7 or 7:30, have some Life cereal, then we both slowly dress, plug the dual headphone jacks into the I-pod and cycle off for 9 AM mass at St.Paul of the Cross. Sophia and I have been doing this for the past three years, as I kind of phased religion into her life just as her parent's marriage was ending and as her maturity would allow an uninterupted hour of reflection. Her familiarity with church has also spawned other endeavors she loves, the Christmas Eve pageant being one in particular. Sophia loves this power hour of soul food, funny enough after a decade or more of estrangement from convential religious gatherings, so does PinF. I used to think you could keep your spirituality within, and worship in the church of your mind; you probably can but the act of commiting to such an endeavor of publicly professing your faith provides far greater rewards in the end.

PinF is speaking more of "faith" than "religion" when he attends church. Because for all I do get from the formal gatherings of traditional religion there is still much more I don't get, and indeed still take umbrage with. The biggest difference is as I've aged---or I'll say "matured" is I am less inclined to have "it" all explained and for it "all" to make sense. If that makes any sense. I can accept the non-sensical, choosing instead to draw out of my soul food that which I need for my sustenance and nourishment. Sophia too, as she is quite taken to what she loves most--the singing, so in this she has taken what she loves, and kind of sails through the "boring" parts.

Our weekly heapings of soul food have taken on a greater degree of nourishment as of late as Sophia has been preparing to make her First Holy Communion. PinF couldn't be any prouder. Every Sunday immediately following mass I drop miss Sophie over at the church school for her pre-Communion class for the next hour and a half. PinF then disappears to Starbucks for his dose of a more earthly sustenance, a grande caramel machiatto and the Sunday New York Times. That which I once found strangely forced and unnatural has come to Sophie much more naturally. Blame it on a different teaching approach maybe, that and the fact that Sophie really does dig God. Whatever the reason I am grateful as she shows an emotional maturity and understanding beyond her years sometimes, for this I give thanks.

This Saturday PinF will witness yet another mile marker of Sophia's development as she steps up to make her first reconcilliation, affectionately known to my generation as "confession". Of course this is mainly a Catholic thing, so for many the true meaning of making your first confession is either lost or just plain unknown. For PinF it was done by remembering the Our Father and a bit of scripted words beseeching forgiveness to a priest behind a veil in a dimly lit box. PinF is so happy to see those days, like so many of the dinosaurs of the Catholic faith- have changed, so Sophia will face the Father herself and profess her "sins", then she'll recite either a Hail Mary or and Our Father with the priest. Of course one thing hasn't changed since I did this and that is the fact that Sophia says she has no sins to profess. Funny, neither did I. So I told her "examples" of "sins", now it appears she's "going in" with papi's suggestions--no matter "God understands" I tell her.

The whole notion of forgiveness is kind of a strange to a child, as they really hold no long term anger or grudges and kind and move from one happy experience to the next. PinF has had to learn how to forgive many things in his life over the past few years, something I still work at daily. In trying to explain the whole notion of sin and reconcilliation I've explained that God's forgiveness of anything she does is like mine; there is nothing she can do or say that I cannot forgive her for. This allows her to grasp the idea a bit better, her fear seems to have disapated a bit, though I'm sure when the moment comes this Saturday morning we can expect a few last minute jitters. She'll be fine though, as usual I think I'm more nervous?

She is right though, she really hasn't any "sins" in the conventional sense, God knows she's never been disrespectful; being any only child she's never taken to using violence against playmates. But that isn't the point--she needs to understand that this is preparation for her "big day" in May. Strangely enough I've studied just as hard for this day, as parents now have to attend four classes prior to the child receiving these sacraments--something I do willingly. For I know it would be impossible for Sophia to find God and her faith without me attending church and leading by example, so I willingly and proudly walk the walk with her. I once read that when raising children you should be more concerned with what you do in front of them rather than what you say in front of them, as so much of what we learn in life is by example and not word. So Saturday PinF will be receiving an extra serving of Soul Food, and why not? It tastes great and has no calories. Blessings to all.

Life is a Song Worth Singing

So I guess I've been so preoccupied as of late with the continuing and emotionally taxing affairs in Philly and my own life in Florida, that I hadn't realized PinF was approaching yet another milestone of sorts. 5ooo visitors! That's a rather humbling feat, especially when you consider you're not providing people with anything more than your thoughts on really nothing more than what happens to be happening on any given day in the life of PinF. Often times I've even questioned whether to click the "publish" button, worried whether or not what I've written may at times be "too private". (they usually turn out to be the most true and interesting postings)

If nothing else, writing provides an outlet to personalize that which may be common to many, but too often due to the fear of admitting these thoughts---.many of us may never realize. PinF has received many, many, emails and comments regarding some of the pain and fears of the events he has experienced this past year, some are bound in empathy while others are cloaked in sympathy. Most are wrapped in a commonality of experience, mainly owing to the fact that although we are all uniquely different, we really are much more alike than we are different, especially when it comes to experiences of life as we all journey through. Like Teddy Pendergast so astutely said, "Life is a song worth singing, so sing it".

So while many regular readers as well as strangers of PinF have thanked me for touching something familiar in their lives; it is I- PinF who has received the greater gift, receiving literally hundreds of emails since PinF's debut in May. Of course there are the occasionally angry rants towards a particular political stance or statement--- the lion's share of your comments and postings are positive, supportive, and generally uplifting. PinF tries to be as innocuous as possible, choosing to observe the smaller nuances and meanings in his everyday life and travels, constantly trying to notice the hidden or obscurred lessons or meanings. For it is usually in the smaller and seemingly less significant moments and memories that we find the more profound lessons and experiences. I find this to be true everyday with my own daughter as she'll often recall something that never seemed that important to me, though I vaguely remembered it, it hadn't struck me as something I needed to "bank" at the time it ocurred. This too is true with my own memories, something which is often in contrast with those who remember my childhood events differently than my world at the time had colored them.

So what's the lesson here? Savor the small triumphs, remember the little details, and always try to pay it forward in your life. If you have children, then make it a priority to make "nice" kids; not kids that are nice to you and your family, but kids who are nice to all people all the time. Take time to stop and enjoy the simpler pleasures, even if it's doing nothing, as PinF is so adept at doing on the beach on any given Sunday. Remain focused on the "bigger picture", as it is so easy to get caught in a micro-examination of non significant events in one's life. PinF has gotten through a few particularly tough situations the past few years by doing just this...wide angle focusing, as opposed to zoom lensing my life. So thanks to the many who have followed the often insignificant musings and opinions of one man in Florida----->PinF.

Sunshine, Cold Brews and Migrations

Hmm...CNN in Florida for a week, (mis) adventuras de Carlos en Costa Rica, Tedman going to Texas....AKJN spending the holidays in Florida.......anyone seeing the pattern here? The "club" as we'll call it are all slowly migrating south. Tedman doubts he'll have strength enough to return....CNN has made it known she'd consider moving, hell her employment demographic is in full force in Florida. Then there's AKJN, aka blog "rookie of the year", she's a rolling stone disguised as a Media townie, if situations weren't what they were family-wise she might just be AKJNinFLORIDA....I like the sound of this. Finally Carlito--well what can we say about this intrepidly rolling stoned soul? He's as free as bird, so I hate him. He can go where he wants, when he wants, and the rest od us can only marvel at his free and easy lifestyle. Actually Carlito is not hated, just his jealousy inspiring lifestyle.

What's this all mean? Could it be that the PinF lifestyle has finally sunk in? The 74* drives to work, the weekends at the beach with coronas, or was it the motorcycle ride to the keys on a whim?......Time will tell.

In other news PinF has recently released his I-Pod playlist, once a tightly guarded trade secret of the inspired writings and rantings of PinF, these just recently de-classified tracks have been released as yet another layer of the onion peel that is PinF's outer persona is stripped to reveal a bit more of the likes, dislikes, and inner workings of PinF when he's traveling high speed on his bike with his music pumping in his helmet. Enjoy, CD's of PinF's greatest I-Pod hits are available upon request---JAH, yours fly's on Saturday for the chilly north, enjoy!

The Junk of Life

It's heartening to know PinF has a steady stream of readers/supporters and various friends who have sensed the silence for the past two weeks. Friends from Europe to Key West have been checking in, making me realize this may be PinF's longest break in posting since PinF began. It wasn't until TMac one of PinF's favorite people popped her head into my email box today as she's apt to do when her favorite blogger falls silent. She asked "if things were OK?", knowing full well the tumult that continues to tug at PinF from Philadelphia. She ended her concerned email with a little caveat: "... you haven't posted since December 29...". Wow....had it really been that long? I checked my last post, sure enough TMac tells no lies.

Happy New Year. I've just arrived home after another week in Philadelphia, PinF's 6th trip since May. It's gotten so bad that PinF was asked by a waitress in Media where I'd been? She went on to say she thought I had moved......I told her I did---9 years ago and that I live in Florida, something she found hard to believe. The week in Philly was just as painful and tough as the others, yet there have been small glimmers of hope. Reconnected with many friends and family while doing the hospital routine again for six days. Arrived home suffocating from stress, as the pressure of my father's continuing care, as well as the direction we should now take has begun to take its toll on myself and my brother's. PinF went straight from the airport to the ice rink to see Sophia start her third round of figure skating lessons. Amazing how my worries seemed to disapate as I sat and watched the kids.

Of course arriving back from such pressure and sadness takes a while to readjust to the "here and now"....but having a 7 year-old "Dorothy Hamill" to hang out with helps. Sophia is so all about the whole sport of ice skating, this makes sense because the sport is one of the few that blends the fashion aspect with the athletic. The glitter dresses, the gloves, the whold sport is as much about dressing up as it is participating. This and the fact that Sophia is truly a "girlie girl", she has no interest in soccer, softball, or tennis, she prefers the cool rink with the glitter dress on and her skates. Still my mind was half here, and half there.

There were a few highlights to PinF's visit, (mis)Adventures of Chuck was out and on the scene, he's living on short time as he prepares to leave for some volunteering in Costa Rica. I wish it was me, as I could use a good esccape plan for a month or so, though I know this isn't gonna happen. It will for Chuck, because he's set up for the nomadic, happy traveler type of life. My jealousy is is of course tempered with equal parts admiration. He's doing a good deed, and for this he's a good guy. Helping anyone anywhere, especially volunteering gives such a good feeling that he'll he get much more out of it than he'll ever invest into it. To this ends PinF was happy to make his contribution to (mis)AofC "volunteer fund" and I encourage anyone who knows Chuck or appreciates what he's going to do also contribute. MofC isn't exactly self sustaining right now, so all friends of Chuck ought to consider what they'll save not buying him a beer in the Plum or Sligo's and make a donation in this amount. Good luck MofC!!

My weekend thus far has gone a long way towards relieving some of the worries I have back home. Nothing like a bit of garage sale shopping to help that. Garage sale you say? That's right, PinF has been hounded by Sophia for the past month to take her, being the pack rat she already is with regard to her own things I was a bit reticent to take on OPJ (other people's junk). I'm still trying to figure where this desire sprung from, as Sophia has never been a "second-hand" type of girl, being an only child? So Friday night I got the classifieds and mapped our targets for Saturday, and by 8AM we were off. It felt like the first fall day in Philly, brilliantly sunny, but brisk-- as a cold front had poured on through from the north. Let's see, we picked up that hard to find soundtrack by Janet Jackson to the Nutty Professor movie-- a keeper for sure. Sophia picked up two "bling belts" for a dollar, two candle holders (she judiciously awarded one to her mother and one to me), and then we closed it out with three DVD's from Disney. It was fun. I don't really care for OPJ, but it was more about the yucks we had as we commented under our breath over the odd pickings that people choose to reveal at garage sales.

Funny in a way, because just last month PinF has collected a bagful of clothing that no longer fit Sophie with the intention of dropping it at the farmworkers council; they distribute the clothing directly to the children of migrant farm workers. Sophia being the packrat she is spied the bag and pulled out her size 5 Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt and put it on before confronting me and accusingly asked me "Papi, what is this doing in the bag?"...When I responded we were helping children who needed clothes she was quick to model the clothes proving that she still "wears" them. First rule of Sophia: Throw nothing away, as I have had to make many late night raids on her room to collect what needed to go, both to the trash and to the donation box. Well the sight of that sweatshirt was enough to make me laugh as it fit her about as good as Frankenstein's clothes, she then told me specific memories she had of kindergarten in that piece of clothing. It was an emotional attachment, but I knew what she meant and how she felt. I tried to reason what good it was to donate them, she stood firm.....suffice to say she wore the sweatshirt, this time with the sleeves cut off so she could fit into it. Funny kid.

Sunday was a tad warmer and allowed us a motorcycle ride to the park and then Barnes and Noble for some reading materials. Today being MLK day we have the day off, and we too have a dream. It's called chilling on the beach, and we're headed there now. It is as I look out my patio slider, a beautifully warm sunny day, with no clouds. A couple bowls of Life cereal and we're off. Life cereal....PinF ate life cereal, funny how life is really like a repeat movie when you have a kid, as your child is the "projector" of many of your old memories. So we're off now to make some new ones-- in the sand. Thanks TMac.

Teachers, Lessons, and Gifts

PinF has fallen silent the last week or so. Consider it my end of year reflection, blog-fatigue, or just plain old end of semester break. Of course I often need to be inspired to write and cannot just pull something out of a hat, so I guess this too has had something to do with the lay off. The holidays. Just saying this can raise the stress, excitement, and dread in many of us. PinF is no different in this department, constantly striving to provide for my daughter the type of holiday memories and lessons she can build her life's lessons upon. Holidays are a great teacher. Many of us go through our lives living one way 51 weeks of the year, and quite another way for that one holy week. Human nature I guess, we all want to be good, decent people all of the time, it just isn't that easy, or practical for that matter.

Trying to live a good and decent life, one that offers lessons, takes on an even greater urgency when you have a child. In essence you are the ultimate teacher, the sooner you realize this, the better and more effective teacher/parent you will be. As tough as the holidays were for me, and despite the bad judgements that were made by some people; I know I can only control the message, values, and behavior that I project. To this ends I think Sophia, despite having to split time in two totally different enviroments, saw some profound lessons this Christmas.

Loyalty- my first is and always will be to Sophia, she witnessed this again this year as her father was involved in her Christmas pageant, right down to the sewing of the garland on her angel dress. Although PinF's religious dedication has changed somewhat since his catholic upbringing, one thing hasn't changed - and that is his belief that all children need some type of spiritual direction. My involvement in her religious and spiritual education is if nothing else, a foundation of my beliefs, my hopes for her, and of course a moral direction for her to steer her own life. Where she takes that direction will be up to her after she turns 18. Slowly she has learned the values of that "one hour" a week that you thought would kill you as a child. I'm sure it was a harder lesson for me since I had the distraction of many brothers each week in mass, whereas Sophia seems to truly enjoy the church, the traditions, and the singing.

The pride any parent feels for their child during public events is always an emotionally powerful feeling. I experienced this firsthand once again this Christmas as I was an "angel" volunteer, tasked with organizing 20 little girls-- wings, halos, and egos - all according to height. Myself and another parent had a lot of fun, and our task actually appeared easier than shepparding the many lambs in attendance for the Christmas eve mass. This year was profoundly different for Sophia, her parents were no longer together, and what family she did have in the state were not attending the mass, so it was me, and my life-long buddy from Philadelphia John, who also wanted to see Sophia. She was perfect, I had her hair and outfit looking great, though I could see in her face that she was scanning the entire church looking for other familiar faces that sadly weren't there. That disapointment in her face hurt a bit, but all I could do is be there for her, and so I was. This was another important lesson, though it may not register for her for quite some time, it did for me that night. The lesson that in our child's mind there is no more important event than that in which your child is participating in. I made sure she knew how proud I was of her, and how much I loved her.

There were profound lessons in this most holy night as I watched the nativity scene play out before my eyes and was reminded once again that this was about Jesus, not the mall, and not about gifts or parties. Sophia was to leave with her mother after mass to be with her mother's family and cousins, something that it isn't now, nor do I expect ever will , get any easier. The natural thing to want to do is be with your family on Christmas eve, though with divorce comes a schedule; and this year was not PinF's year. I bide my time, my temper, and my emotions. I try to look at the journey and not the route, because in the end it's about the destination and not the manner in which I travel to get there. And the destination for me is in delivering a nice, responsible, decent young lady who knows well that the virtues and values in life have little to do with material wealth or possesions and much more to do with spirtual wealth, love, and most importantly respect of oneself and family coupled with compassion. Everything I saw on this Christmas eve lead me to believe I am indeed on the "right path" in this regard, the challenge is in staying on board even though the "vehicle" is uncomfortable.

PinF had a tree this year, this was really more for Sophia than for my own need. To be expected I guess, becuase you really don't realize that many of the motions of the holiday are perpetuated for the children in our lives more than ourselves. Still underneath the tree were a good amount of gifts, mainly Sophia's mind you, though a few found there way to PinF as well. PinF was a very lucky recipient of three last minute parcels, all from important parts of PinF's life- friends, and family. From one of my oldest and dearest friends a FedEx box appered almost out of nowhere with several gifts, this was actually the only gift for PinF had up until this point. Thanks Bird. The next morning saw two other packages arrive on Christmas eve, one a parcel of Dutch coffee mailed by (mis)adventuresofchuck himself; this was a really nice surprise from a really good and valued friend. Thanks Chuck. The other package was from my mom, which like my mom is apt to do, touched me in an almost bittersweet way by including an ornament for my tree made by me some 32 years ago. In an instant I was taken back to the dining room table at Ridley Drive in 1974 on Christmas morning painting the little balsa wood ornaments, powerful stuff. Thanks Mom.

For all the emotions, joy, and heartache felt during these the most emotional weeks of the year, PinF is still a great lover of Christmas. And even though his father still resides in limbo at the hospital, his sons all search for answers to the right direction to move in, and PinF's mom is sort of removed from the immediacy of my day to day life - PinF is able to recognize his real gifts this holiday. Sure I got some great books, some nice things for my house, and other little things, but my greatest gift was again being involved in Sophia's life and realizing how lucky I am. Despite all the disapointments that I cannot control, I still keep my mind and my eye on the greater gifts, these are the blessings we all have in our lives. My father is not well, but I had over 40 Christmas's with him, so it could be much worse. My mother is still in good health and here with us all, again another gift. I have four healthy, and fun brothers - all of whom have the unique distinction of having known each other all of our lives. This is in essence the coolest part of a sibling-the shared experiences, though differing opinions, of being raised by our shared parents. My friends, these too are real gifts that anyone can give themselves, becuase unlike family you can pick these "gifts" out, PinF is richly blessed in this department. And my favorite gift of this Christmas? Sitting next to an angel at Christmas eve mass, replete with wings and halo, not just any old angel-but "my" angel, and hearing her whisper in my ear "Merry Christmas, I love you papi"

Holiday Sampler (A Legal Re-gifting)

As PinF prepares to celebrate another Christmas in Florida it seemed appropriate to offer a Holiday Sampler (a re-gift) of sorts, of the past 9 months of postings. Often times my postings are not what you would either characterize as brief, light, or even happy fare. Such is the life of PinF this past year, full of tumult, sadness, and political outrage over the seemingly senseless dying of Americans home and abroad, not to mention my on-going postings of tough times with regard to my father's health and its effects on me and my brothers.

Still I would be remiss not to mention the many personal notes I often receive by email with regard to certain postings; many times what people won't post in public, they convey in private through a heartfelt email. Often times my subject matter has made others recall certain painful or difficult times in their own lives. Most times I'm able to jar a happy memory and in the process illicit a few chuckles along the way. PinF appreciates all the encouragement, kindnesses, and well wishes he's received over the past 9 months from many friends, family, and indeed the new foreign friends I've met through this site. To that ends, PinF is assembling a mini-montage of sorts from the last 9 months. I've picked one post from each month since April until now December, a Holiday Sampler for the readers of PinF, so that you don't have to skip back, scroll down, and seek past postings.

Thank you all, and Happy Holidays. ----------PinF

April 2005: First post, really just an online copy of my remarks when asked to speak at my mother's Hall of Fame induction ceremony at Little Flower Catholic High School for Girls.

May 2005: PinF's remarks over yet another somber Memorial Day as Americans continue to sacrifice for what I believe to be a mis-guided appropriation of our greatest resource: our young, brave soldiers.

June 2005: This was one of my daughter Sophia's several postings, her summer movie reviews. Of course PinF is able to discuss any number of G rated movies released this year if anyone wants to that is.

July 2005: A classic tale of Sophia's reluctant tooth migration.

August 2005: Sophia's heading off to school and the many undertones to the lessons we all learn by breaking away.

September 2005: This post dealt with all the finger pointing and senseless blame after the heartbreak and destruction of Katrina, and the few who were in direct contact with God.

October 2005: Kind of heartbreaking, and I know we all see at least one of these that gets to us. This is a post about the first woman from my area killed in action in Iraq.

November 2005: Reminiscing days of Thanksgiving long since past, and the many unsucessful cakes in PinF's life.

December 2005: PinF's most recent installment of how much things change over time, both on a personal level as well as physical, with regard to relationships and loved ones.

A Wonderful Magical Day! by Sophia V. Paynter

Editor's Note: HOLIDAY TREAT TIME

As a special holiday treat to the many readers of PinF, my beautiful seven year-old prodigy Sophia Veronica, has penned a holiday story for school which I just had the pleasure of proof reading. Her story is wonderful and she's decided to make another guest Blog appearance and re-copy from her note paper onto Blog format, enjoy.

PinF wants his audience to know that the copy below is unedited and the original draft from Miss Sophia......


Have you ever had a snowman come to life? Well i did and i will tell you all about it. To begin with, in the morning I asked my mom if i could go outside to play. She said ''yes''. So i got all bundled up and went outside and played until i got bored.I called Sienna to come and play. We started to build a snowman together.Then we went inside to have hot cocoa and chocolate.

Next, we got bored so we went outside. But when we got outside, he wasn't there! ''Mr.Snowman, Mr.Snowman" we called him as he came back in his place.

Last,Sienna and I started playing with frosty.We played Tic-Tac-Snow and tag and many other games untill it was time for dinner.We said ''bye" to frosty and hoped we would see him again.

In conclution, when my snowman came to life we started playing Tic -Tac-Snow, tag, and many other games.It was a wonderful magical day.

Merry christmas SOPHIA

pinf

Twenty Years, Three Passports, and a Daughter

When PinF was 7 he got his first Passport, the world was his oyster so to speak. I look at my daughter Sophia today and she is on her second passport, having traveled to 5 countries already, and she is as blasé about this as I would be about going to the supermarket. This is her world, and she illustrates that so clearly and often when she is so surprised to hear that her papi didn't have the internet, dvd's, and microwave popcorn when I was her age. Of course my passport was a tad different, as were my travels at her age. PinF would have to travel through books and what he learned in social studies classes, because his first passport was made in Ms. Johnson's class at Garettford Elementary school in Drexel Hill. I took my first "trip" to Buckingham Palace London; the trip was great--the weather sucked as we were always told it did in England. This was a class project designed to expand our world in 1969 and introduce us to the concept of other countries. It wouldn't be until 16 years later the PinF would actually get to see that famed building in the heart of London, and I distinctly recall standing there on that cold day in December thinking of that first passport and that day in Ms. Johnson's class.

Today marks twenty years ago that PinF took the $1200.00 his father gave him to buy a car and like a twenty something year old is apt to do, spent it elsewhere. Of course the story isn't that simple and the facts are usually based on who's recalling them, but since it was me who spent it, you can take it from me. This was a classic tale of impetuous youth. I had "discovered" my then girlfriend was carrying on with my then best friend. Truth of the matter was she wasn't even really my girlfriend anymore, it was one of those slow dying adolescent relationships that you keep going back to. That isn't to say the betrayal of a friend didn't hurt-- it did, though looking back now I was as much to blame as anyone. Again, this is one of the best aspects of growing old, you're able to see much more clearly, accept much more balme, and give much more forgiveness.

Nevertheless, PinF reacted with a passion that wasn't understood until much later in life. PinF was born with wanderlust. He always wanted to travel, striking out early and often with silly follies of either running away, or just up and going places either by hitchhiking, or on a motorcyle. Never really "running away" so much as "running to" something. I wanted to know what was on the "other side" so to speak. Suffice to say this "incident" in my 22 year-old life would provide the catalyst to dare myself and just go-with no plan, and surely not that much money-- and so go I did. I told no one in my family-- selfish I know, but remember I'm doing the "wounded heart" thing, so I felt no need to be caring and adult like. As a parent myself I now realize how selfish and worrisome this was to those who loved me. I got a ticket with People's Express, which at the time was a cutting edge air carrier breaking down the barriers of cheap inter-continental travel, the cost was $79.00 well within my "budget". I was filled with dreadeful anticipation as I really had no plan other than to leave, just like so many ill-prepared forays into the world before. I remember first setting foot in Gatwick and hearing so many odd accents, seeing so many differently dressed peoples, and wondering OK, what now?

I met many interesting people from many countries and continued on to see the wonders of my then world, in Paris, London, and finally Amsterdam. I partook of the bacchanal that is Amsterdam, even meeting an old girlfriend from Demark and seeing all the city had to offer. I went to the VanGogh museum the Rijksmuseum and of course the famed red light district. Of course this was at a time when PinF was particulary interested in the offerings of this wonderful country. Throughout my two weeks I was constantly reminded of all I had left by the ever present Christmas themes throughout these three countries, and would, at times become a bit homesick for leaving. Nothing major mind you, though I was always cognizant of the Christmas season for sure. I continued on my "journey" and found myself standing in front ot the Mona Lisa, and then at the top of the Eiffel Tower, surely my trip would not have been complete without visiting Notre Dame Cathedral, and so I did. France, or I should say Paris, was a disdainfully hostile place, but I didn't care as I moved on full of wonder throughout the city via the Metro. It was here I finally broke down and called home 3 days before Christmas and spoke with my mother, she of course had put all the facts together by now and was aware of the circumsatnces surrounding my "trip", she told me to come on home for Christmas, and in that moment I felt for the first time very far away from home. Funny enough, I can still remember the drunk French guy banging on the phone booth door, and having to use some 'international adjectives" on him to get him to chill.

Of course in order to get home I had to get back to England and buy a ticket, so off I went the next morning, actually kind of sick of the rude French and looking forward to my cheery cousins on the otherside of the channel. Of course anyone who has ever been to France knows of their notrious labor strikes over the most ridiculous reasons, say for instance they work 32 hours, if you ask them to work 34 it's an all out invitation to shut down the entire rail sytem. This was PinF's luck, when he got to to Calias, France for his return ferry, the French had indeed staged a holiday strike. PinF was not to be outdone, he immediately partook of the holiday revelry amongst the overly friendly and never affected Brits, and was sauced within hours. Merrily reciting filthy british rugby songs and such, and generally insulting the French Gendarmes charged with watching us, we passed the time packed like holiday sardines for 7 hours while the British government tried to negotiate a way for the many returning citizens to be brought back. No dice. Eventually the Brits did what they've always done best, they went it alone. They dispatched 3 British ferries across the channel to fetch us poor, stranded, holiday drunks, I love the damn British, they always get it done, not matter the circumstances. Problem was when we finally boarded the Captain made an announcement that that seas were a "bit rough", no matter I thought, we're going home.

I had never really been on a "big" ship until I took a ferry from England. And for anyone who has been in rough seas you'll know what I mean when I tell I you it's the most God awful thing you can experience, especially on no sleep, 12 beers and passing a bottle of Jameson's. The ship was raised up and then raised down, one minute you would be climbing up the hallway, and the next running down, there was puke in every hall and on every wall. The bar was a veritable war zone of bodily fluids, spilled beers and broken glasses. Still, incredibly the mood was festive. Well, long story short, PinF got home. He still had to meet with his dad and suffer the ire of having wasted the $1200 he had been loaned three weeks prior to "buy a car". We met in the Plumstead, and I was sweating it kind of. I was with my brother and not eager to hear what I though I was to hear. Blame it on Christmas, blame it on understanding, but my father's first question was "how was London?" He wasn't mad, disapointed yes, mad no. He was quite happy actually to have me back, and I think if I could ask him now he was secretly happy and envious for having traveled so far on so little.

And so it went, we had a few beers and all was pretty much forgotten, my father was like that. It was afterall, only money. I suppose had I spent it on something less meaningful and educational it might have been an issue. This trip had awoken a deep desire to travel more, and see more and I have. PinF returned to Europe two years later and traveled exstensively, eventually living abroad for a year, and then would see parts south and central America on several visits. This all was started twenty years ago this week. How do I know? Sophia and I were looking at passports and we pulled out my first one, and there in the first page was Gatwick, airport December 10, 1985. I was again reminded of this trip when I heard the song for famine relief "Do They Know it's Christmastime" (Feed the World) in my car last week, this song was all the rage on the ferry ride to Holland that Christmas. I've often said that the truest and most pratical education any person can receive is to travel and expose themselves to the cultures, attitudes, and peoples of the world. I will definitely encourage Sophia to study abroad, though it may be no big deal to her when she's ready for college as she's such a seasoned traveler already, not to mention our world shrinks a little more everyday. Still twenty years has passed since I first struck out to see the world and I'm still longing to see more, to that ends PinF is planning a little trip soon that'll take him away for awhile and immerse him many cultures and experiences.......stay tuned.

Walking the Line...still

I had been wanting to see it since it was released. My father and I had both discussed it back in October before he fell ill, each of us eagerly awaiting its premiere and wondering whether or not a relatively unknown actor with no musical background not to mention being of Puerto Rican descent could pull it off. The movie is "Walk the Line" the story of Johnny Cash, oh and he (Joaquin Phoenix) did pull it off. My brother Flash (Chris) had called me several weeks ago, and told me to get ready, it was heavy. He said in many ways you'll see your life kind of flashback when you hear the music as well as witness the metamorphosis of actor into real life performer. He was right. I was deeply affected, probably more so because of the present state we all find ourselves in with my father's ongoing medical struggles. It hurt to watch the movie and know he was "there" and I was here; I was in a comfortable movie-plex with popcorn being allowed to escape the here and now. PinF had mentioned before how he and his brothers were raised in a very musical family, and how Johnny Cash played a prominent role-- like a soundtrack to our youthful memories of our father's musical tastes. This movie brought much more than the life of Johnny Cash to the forefront of PinF's impressions.

Biographical accounts, whether they are presented in literary or cinematic form can sometimes be a sort of mirror to your own life, since what you're reading or as in this case watching, may have taken place during your own life. Johnny Cash's life was hard. His music spoke of the hard times, heartaches, personal demons, and faithful deliverance from a life of deceit, lies, addictions, and pain. Johnny Cash's story is like anyone else's who has ever succeeded or prevailed against overwhelming odds and circumstances, he did it with the love and belief in himself from others, most notably his second wife June Carter. In many ways I believe my father saw something of himself in Johnny Cash, or at least he wanted to. They both were born about the same time and like Johnny, they both served in the military during the tail end of the Korean conflict. My father once related to me that he got hooked on country music in the Army, after he had a chance to see Johnny Cash in Texas while at Fort Bliss, also on the bill was a relatively unknown by name of Elvis Presley. Sure enough in the movie they were playing small venues in small towns throughout the south, so I kind of felt like his story was kind of my father's story as I watched the movie. And as I watched this story play out through the songs of my youth I was transported in many ways back to Drexel Hill during the late 1960's and early 1970's. I remembered us all going to "see" Johnny Cash at the Spectrum in Philadelphia maybe 1971 or so, and how we were seated in the back row up very, very, high and how he appeared as a little back dot on stage. Still his distinctive barritone voice was not depleted by our distance to the stage and although time has diminished many of the details of that night, our being there with my parents that night is still fresh in my memory.

I kept thinking how my dad would have loved to watch this movie, and how the music would have moved him so. Always one thought away was his present lingering condition that never allowed me to truly "escape" into the movie. Still I reasoned that if it makes me think of him that much more then the movie serves us both in different ways. I remember clearly listening to Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison in early 1970, I was eight and the world was probably in many ways as dangerous and angry as it today. We were at war then as we are today, still my childhood awareness of all that swirled about in the world was limited at best. In many ways your "world" as a child is defined by your parents interests, opinions, and actions. We probably could have never imagined then, but as we've grown older my brother's and I all have a special place for Johnny Cash in our hearts, and his music shaped and affected us all in different ways. One thing is for sure, we all know the words by heart to almost every damn Johnny Cash song there is, and I would venture to guess none of us could listen to him without thinking of our father, ever. This fact is clearly illustrated in many forms, whether it be my brothers Scott and Bill performing "I Still Miss Someone" live together, or by the CD collections we all have that contain Johnny Cash. It has even permeated another generation as Sophia has learned the words to Ring of Fire and knows all too well that this is her papi's musical history.

PinF knows not where his father's life is headed these days, as not long after I got out of the movie I received a call that my father had again been placed in intensive care after developing another infection. Options are now running slim, and decisions are becoming harder. I had intially held out hope that me and my dad would watch this movie together while it was still in the theatres, then I thought at the very least we would rent it and watch it together. It's beginning to appear he may in fact never get to see it, for this I am saddened since I know what joy this would have brought to him. When I was last in Philly, I had brought my CD player and some Johnny Cash into his room, and it seemed as if it took away his pain-- if not only temporarily. Johnny Cash and Bill Paynter for me are synonymous, and I cannot think of one without considering the other.

Back in 1989 I had the great fortune to again see my father's hero LIVE when he played of all places- the Alpine Inn on Baltimore Pike in Springfield. My brother Rob had noticed the show advertised whilst driving by one day, immediately he called my father and within hours my father was at the ticket window with $400.00 buying 10 tickets. The venue was to hold maybe 1000 people in a sort of Las Vegas style presentation. Tables would be used in place of chairs or standing room, and cocktail waitresses would be employed. My father had for the first time in a long time all five of his sons together, and quite rightfully we were all seated at the front table in front of the stage center. Though he loved Frank Sinatra with equal passion and zeal, I'm sure this would have had to be considered his ultimate live musical experience. I'm equally sure it was the same for my brothers, I know for myself it certainly ranks right up there with seeing Bob Marley in 1979 from the eighth row of Irvine Auditorium with my life-long friend Tracey Wright-Mchugh. That night we ordered our beers not by the bottle, but instead by the case, as my oldest brother Bill was in attendance with several Army buddies from Fort Bragg and they didn't want to be bothered by waitresses or waiting for their drinks. So there we all sat, seeing an iconic figure of our youth and indeed all of our lives not but 10 feet in front of us. I think you could have heard a pin drop when he walked up to the mic and said "hello I'm Johnny Cash".

The defining memory I have in my mind of that night in April was that of my father and Johnny clutching hands as he finished his last set and said his good-nights to the approvingly cheering, whistling, and clapping crowd. It was a moment in time that seems to be etched in my memory as for so many years they seemed "connected", so it was all so fitting to see my father's hardened hand reach through the throngs of fans and be clutched by Johnny himself. This capped off an evening, if not a life-time of adulation of my father for Johnny, of course it also started another round of embellishment and stories. It was hard to watch this movie, yet I knew I wanted and had to, the songs, the man, and all he stood for and battled against were painstakingly presented in a very raw way. By the time the movie ends and Johnny is standing with his then wife June Carter in front of hundreds of hardened convicts at Folson Prison, you are completely absorbed into the character and feel as though you are watching an old movie clip of the "man in black" himself. Emotions are high right now for all of us--his sons, as we struggle with our father's condition five different ways. This movie was for me a microcosim of our shared musical/life journies as we continue to "walk the line" of our collective lives together through what continues to be uncertain times.

8,760 Hours

Last year PinF had Violet Incredible running through our house on Christmas morning, the whole get-up including the wig, the mask, the black gloves and boots, and of course all the innocence that comes with such an outfit. We saw the movie on opening day in November, and from then on she was obsessed, and I was her Mr. Incredible, we were always joking with each other acting like the family of Incredibles. I was thinking about this as I stood alone next to the stage in the over crowded lunch room of Sophia's school waiting for her class to sing in this year's Christmas pageant. As I stood there I was doing the math, and I came up with 8,760. It sounded like such a large number, yet in my mind it was painfully small. One year equals 8,760 hours, and in this time so much had changed. Sophia just had to have the outfit last Christmas, and like any parent who has ever had to get that "one" gift their child coveted against what at the time seemed like slim odds, I found it. Funny though because this past weekend Sophia and I were talking about last Christmas and I asked her if she wanted to wear her outfit out that day, already knowing the answer of course but wanting to see her reaction. She looked at me half smiling, half embarassed, and said "papi, I can't wear that costume out in public". It was then that I first realized how much difference a year makes in all of us. She was that much more grown, where the youthful and childlike lack of inhibitions are suddenly one day shed. Just as quickly replaced by the early signs of modesty, and suddenly a young girl appears where once was a little baby-girl of a daughter.

Now here I was changed as well, I was at her school attending her Christmas pageant alone; I was OK with this as usual my concern was more for her comfort. I could see her mother on the other side of the auditorium also alone. 8,760 hours. This time last year I was still married; my father was whole in both mind and spirit, and Sophia was doing her Christmas show in front of both her parents. Now my father lies in a hospital bed in a sort of limbo as I am asked daily to make more and more decisions regarding his care, always hoping the decisions I make are for the greater good of both his future and ours-- his son's. Still my salvation is in knowing despite all that has changed Sophia continues to thrive and succeed at all her endeavors and walk in the light of her parent's love. I'm secure in the knowledge that in these 8,760 hours, these were events that I didn't have control of per se, events were occuring that I could only weather, not change. I can only control the outcome of these events in that I try to assure her that though the physical make-up of her surroundings have changed, as well as her parent's locations, the one thing that 8,760 hours hasn't changed is how much pride and joy she brings to me, not to mention how loved she is.

The 8,760 hours since last Christmas have not been easy ones for sure. Ever the optomist that I am, I'm well aware that just as I have made it through the upset and changes of this past year, I'll be that much stronger and past them this time next year. Many questions still surround much of the changes of the past year for my father, my daughter, and me. One thing I am sure of is that the number 8,760 in of itself sounds huge, when in fact it all went by so fast. And like those hours that have flown by, I know that the number represents many more good times and memories than sad ones. Tonight was just one example of this as I watched her come off that stage all excited and proud, and in that one hour I saw in her all the joy she has despite all that has changed in her in these past 8,760 hours. The other change I noticed as we watched the rest of the show is that I'm getting older and she's getting bigger because my shoulders are killing me from her sitting on them so that she could see the show.

PinF has Invited some Friends Over

PinF has added some new and quite frankly, very interesting links. On Wednesday while surfing around the Blogs of the world just to see what's out there I came across an artist from Italy with a Blog that showcases wonderful pieces of art in several mediums. Often times as I've looked out of my own little Blogisphere of friends to see what's beyond the horizon I have found there's a whole lot of shit. This wasn't the case with Michele Omiccioli's site, he's an artist in Italy with a Blog that shows like a mini gallery of his works. I complimented him on his work and we struck up a conversation that 10 years ago would have been impossible. He responded in kind and thanked me for visiting when in fact it was I who should be thanking him, as it's so nice to find quality of any kind on the internet as the medium slowly slips into mediocrity. After exchanging several email's I decided I was impressed enough with his work that he should enjoy a link to PinF in hopes that I could at least do my small part in bringing a little color to my friends and maybe a bit more exposure to his work. Michele responded in kind by informing me he was sending three drawings from Italy!! PinF is a lover of art, and in all forms, so I am eagerly awaiting these pieces and may in fact feature them at a later date here on PinF; I will definitely have them framed an added to my collection. I hope any readers of PinF pay Michele's site a visit and enjoy his on-line gallery. Some of PinF's favorites include: A, B, and C. Check him out and let him know PinF sent you.

Another interesting and almost "art like" link would be that of a gentleman named Tim Campion, through whose Blog you can travel through South America with him as he steadily makes his way from his starting point in Alaska all the way to the southern most tip of the continent, Tierra del Fuego. Oh and did I mention he's doing this trip alone on his BMW GS1200 motorcycle? This is compelling reading as well as fantastic photos as Tim's travels have him connecting with indigenous peoples of the America's all while photo-documenting many areas that most people are unfamilar with. Currently Tim is in Peru where he has posted his latest photos and story, I have also had the good fortune to be in contact with this Blogger as well. To those of you who know PinF, this has long been a dream of his as well, something PinF hopes to do this year on a smaller scale mind you (Central America). Tim's grit and determination are well admired by PinF and I highly suggest readers of this Blog check in on him, cheer him on, and offer kind encouragements for his truly epic adventure. Blogs like these showcase this medium in it's finest; allowing a reader or visitor the opportunity to walk outside of his or her world and outside of their doors to explore what's beyond our horizons. Often times we live in our own insulated worlds so it's nice to remember that there are those who are living life and doing the things many of us only dream or read about. Vicariously living a dream is better than never dreaming at all.